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Q: Dear Alexis:

I have hate in my heart and it's leeching out into other areas. I know it's not right to hate each other. But this hate won't go away. I've tried distraction, positive thoughts, finding some common area but it all comes down to sheer, unadulterated hate. I think if I cross paths soon with this person whom I hate so, only one of us will walk away. I'm pretty sure this person might even hate me too--it's been implied but never spoken of outright. I hate my hate and yet it does make the days pass quicker as I imagine all the terrible things I could inflict upon the subject in question. Sadly though, I know that one day our paths will cross again, and I may even be required to perform with this person. What should I do?

Signed, Hate In My Heart

A: Dear Dear HIMH,

Solution #1: Change from Hate In My Heart to Nate In My Heart.

Pros: 1) Change of one letter requires minimal effort! 2) "Nate" could refer to any number of excellent things, including talented locals Nathan Edmondson and Nathan Holt, delicious famous hot dogs, or the internet portal site company headquartered in Seoul. 3) NIMH is a useful and bad-ass acronym that could refer to the National Institutes of Mental Health, the beloved rat movie The Secret of NIMH, or some kind of weird battery.

Cons: 1) Bah! This solution is blatantly all style and no substance! YOU CAN'T PUT LIPSTICK ON A PIG AIEEEEEEeeyZAHTHyh!!!!!

Soultion #2: I wonder if you've tried to positive think your way out of the hate by trying to see the good in him or her, trying to see things from his or her perspective, telling yourself that s/he possesses at least one or two good qualities that you can, like, totally respect. Well, some people are objectively douchebag jerks. Others are subjectively douchebag jerks. It doesn't matter which better describes the wide receiver of hatred in your life- not to you, anyway. So don't waste your time trying to see the silver, nougaty center of this asshole. Instead, try your damndest to honestly wish for wonderful things to happen to him or her . Look, this person's future is simply not under your control, and good things are going to happen to this person no matter what you do. Since s/he makes you want to open up the darkest regions of your soul, this will inevitably drive you crazy, so just get used the idea of it happening by wishing it so. You can still be right about how much this person sucks a giant ass, but now they don't have any power over you. Here is an aphorsim to illustrate my point: "Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick." Please cross-stich that onto a pillow. So, wish for this person to have an excellent show and like, totally get on SNL or something. Then find some sympathetic ears and bitch.

Q: Dear Alexis:

I am travelling to Philadelphia in November for the big festival. While I am improvising, I want to endear myself to the audience by mentioning things only people from Philadelphia would know. What random phrases or locations shall I insert into my performance to make the audience say, "Ha HA! She knows us so well!

Love, Jill from Minneapolis

A: Minneapo-Jill:

May I be the first to welcome you to our fair city! BEFORE YOU EVEN GET HERE I WIN I WIN I WIN SUCK IT OTHER RESIDENTS! While you are here I would encourage you to avoid sports or sports venues of any kind. Apparently we have a real reputation for being assholes about that kind of stuff. Back in the 70's we even booed Santa Claus. I'm not that thrilled by the christmas holiday and tend to ignore it, but I can't imagine I'd boo Santa Claus. Maybe if he were making racist comments at an open-mike night. anyway, I'm a transplant from another East Coast city, and while i've been in Philadelphia over 5 years, I spent a lot of that time hiding in a cave. I turned to the expertise of ComedySportz Philadelphia, because they are smart, many of them are long time residents, and I have easy access to their email addresses. The number one thing mentioned was how Philly natives pronounce the vital liquidy substance that can cut through rock, sustains all life as we know it, and dissolves Crystal Light. Say it with me now: Wooder. Wooood-er. Special thanks to Don Montrey for working it out phoenetically. Also frequently mentioned were the high crime rate, delicious cheesesteaks, and the horrific public transportation. Mention our transit authority's slogan ("SEPTA- we're getting there!" ) for instant comedy. I mean, what better way to advertise yourself than by admitting you're failing at your sole purpose RIGHT IN YOUR CATCH PHRASE?! awesome. Fucking Cyrstal Light. Anyone else get really angry at those mini-packets they're pushing on all of us now? I'm not having it, Kraft Foods. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Q: Dear Alexis:

We had a heckler at one of our shows. He accidentally left his business card behind so we know where he works. How should we go about kicking his ass?

A: Dear Heckled:

It is quite obvious this person is aware that improv is an interactive art form. Although he wanted to be a particpating member of the audience, he did not know how to act on the urge without engaging in disruptive shouting! This "accidental" leaving of a business card is a classic cry for help! So have some pity on this newcomer and use his business card as the very first suggestion for your brand new form that i have tentatively titled The Revenging .

What is the font? Are there any pictures? Does he use a nickname like Skip instead of his real name? If he has a very simple business card, printed in Times New Roman or something, go to his boring office job and rearrange all his files and the stuff on his desk, and hide a sandwich in one of the drawers. If he works in IT, buy up all the Mountain Dew within a 5 mile radius of his place of business. If the card has clip art of any sort, just show up in the parking lot in some leather jackets and say things like "what nice tie! it would be a shame if someone...broke it!" and such and such.

What is up with hecklers at improv shows, anyway? That sort of behavior is common at stand-up shows, where there is an unspoken contract between comics and their audiences that heckling will either be dealt with or uncomfortably ignored. The precedent for dealing with heckling at improv shows is less clear. I heard that Bill Murray once broke somebody's arm.

Q: Dear Alexis:

What's the best way to let someone down when they ask you to join a troupe? I have a friend, someone I like a lot as a person, but I don't think he's a very good improver and he asked me if I wanted to form a troupe. I declined telling him I wanted to join an all ready established troupe (which is sort of true) but the real reason is I don't like performing with him. Is the just mean of me?

A: Dear Wary Writer:

Mean? pssssh. is it more mean to a) politely decline involvement in a situation you know would make you unhappy, or b) agree to participate out of guilt and slowly develop a poisonous resentment for your friend? you don't have to work with people you don't want to, and you don't need to feel bad about it. everyone can improvise, but that doesn't mean they have a right to do it in front of a paying audience.

This reminds me of the time i accidentally went on a date with someone. i thought we were just hanging out like dudes from back in the day, and suddenly he asked if he could kiss me. what in flaven? well, i let him do it even though i wasn't really attracted to him- because i figured it was the nice thing to do. TO HELL WITH THAT! i still wasn't attracted to him, plus now i had to figure a way how to wriggle out of the mess. luckily i hardly knew him, so it wasn't like a lost a friend. but i could have avoided several weeks of not answering the phone if i'd just been able to say no in the first place.

It sounds like you declined gracefully, though i wonder if you are going to stall your performing debut until an estabalished group holds auditions. what if you form a troupe with some people you do enjoy improvising with and don't include him? what happens when he finds out? are you going to feel like Sally-With-My-Pants-Down? all i am saying is if he really isn't a very good improviser, at some point down the line he is going to be excluded from a group and he is going to feel hurt about it. there isn't a lot you can do about that and you shouldn't feel responsible.

One thing that was pointed out to me is that we tend to overexplain ourselves and feel we owe people extensive reasons and justifications for why we might have to do something that could hurt their feelings. it's like we think "i don't wanna" isn't a good enough reason. honestly, the best way to let someone down when they ask you to join a troupe is a simple "No thank you" without a lot of song and dance. this is much easier advice to give than to practice (else i would not have ended up kissing some whiny chef who habitually scratched his nose), but i'll give it a try if you do.