Wow, my first question and what a doozy.  How do you incorporate long form into short form?  That's almost like asking "How do I go up while going down?" or which "Which silence is loudest?"  I figured that these questions would be stupid but c'mon, hasn't the general readership even mastered the concept of opposites? 

You see, long and short are opposites or antonyms.  That means they are necesarily going to be different or in opposition.  You may have even noticed that "opposite" and "opposition" contain the same root word.  Let me rephrase, someone of average intellect may have noticed that they have the same root word.  Therefor, the shorter something gets, the less long it is, and conversely, the longer something is, the shorter it isn't.  It's tough, I know, like mastering addition or learning to bathe all by yourself. 

If you really want to know how to use long form in short form, I suggest you start by rewriting the laws of the universe so that antonymns become synonymns, long becomes short, black becomes white, cats become dogs, R2D2 becomes Jar Jar Binks, Obama becomes Romney, Jersey becomes New Zealand, and lollipops become my balls.  It seems as though you're well on your way, since a head is the opposite of an ass, and you are obviously an asshead.

This column is gonna be fun.

-The Asshole

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Dear Asshole,

I'm in a troupe where we don't have a full-time director. We get coaching now and then, but it's nothing close to permanent. I think we would all benefit from getting regular notes, but can't afford to pay someone regularly and are having a hard time finding someone that just wants to direct or coach and not play. We tried giving notes to each other and electing people to take turns, but it hasn't been working. Some of my troupe mates think that it's a negative environment and take anything said so personally. Even if it's said constructively. Now we have some people who want notes and take them, and others who can't handle them. If we tell them to not be sensitive and it's for the better, they get even more sensitive. This is making our troupe really uneven in rehearsals and it feels sometimes like that in shows too. What can we do?

- Directionless

You can just come right out and ask me.  Don't pussyfoot around.  I
get it, okay.  I'll do it.  I'll coach your troupe for you.  Jeez.  I
know you said you can't afford to pay me, but I'll gladly take favors
of a hygienic and/or sexual nature.  So you could either do my laundry
or blow me.

Not being able to handle constructive notes is often a sign of
insecurity.  I suggest talking to your troupe-mates and telling them
what stupid babies they are being.  If that doesn't do the trick, a
simple shunning often works wonders.  Just ask the Amish.  They've
been shunning for centuries, and now, crystal meth is ravaging the
social fabric of their communities.